Ten months were spent, ups and downs were together faced. Who would have thought that after all those months, we would be encountering something; something that isn't just really something because that something is really a big thing.
That day, I happily woke up, not even imagining the things that might happen. It was just an ordinary weekday, until that moment came. It's like, all of a sudden, I lost everything. I was like a child crazily begging for them not to take away from me my most loved stuff and at the same time, a child who cries because she felt like she's the most undignified and most stubborn girl who ever lived in this world. I felt like the whole world crashed down at my feet. My heart shattered, tears rolled down my face. I cried, I don't know what else to do aside from crying and begging them. I can't speak, there were no words that came out from my mouth. I can't even listen to what my classmates were discussing. Then, they all wondered why I was crying, but I didn't pay attention to them. I just want to cry, cry all the hurt inside but it was like even though I cry a lot and be able to fill drums with my tears, the pain just won't fade away. I can't and won't deny that I was badly hurt by the words that came out from their mouths. I got paranoid. I felt like with their every glance to me, they'll think of something bad about me, with every wrong action that I'll do, I'll be judged by them that would make me regret doing it. Good thing, I had my finest friends those times. I was so thankful to them. They did not get tired of listening to my dramas every now and then.
Days and weeks had passed, little by little I'm trying to adjust, until I gradually came back being the old me; a very cheerful person. Together with my friends, I faced reality again though the pain still freaks me out. I thought I would be better as time goes by, but I was wrong, unfortunately so wrong. I thought there could be no more possible worse thing that might happen, but no, I was wrong because there was still. Degrading and undignifying words were again thrown to me by a person who I actually idolize. Every part of me was torn apart like a paper. I even questioned myself, "Am I really that kind of person? Do I really know myself?" I just definitely want to vanish those times. I can barely breathe because of all the pain I'm feeling. All the feelings and pain I've felt before came back and seem to never go away. The pain and feelings did not go away since that time. And honestly, the pain's still here. You may see me smiling but you can't see the pain that I'm feeling behind this smile. I'd rather choose to be numb than to feel all these craps until now. I don't know, maybe as soon as forever is through, I'll get over these.
♫ You're the one that never lets me sleep, into my mind down to my soul you touch my lips. You're the one that I can't wait to see, with you here by my side I'm in ecstasy. I am all alone without you. My days are dark without a glimpse of you. ♫ Up to now, this song still plays in my mind whenever I think of it.
