Regrets. Do I have regrets in my life? I thought I’ve
convinced myself that I do not have regrets in life or I must not have any, for
whatever it is, it made me happy, it made me smile, it was once what I really
wanted.
We will always be having what ifs in our lives, those things
that we wish we did better. Things we wish we were ready for, things we wish
were prepared by the time it came. Things we’ll keep on wishing, hoping that it
may be relive, relive when you are already ready for it, relive when you can
already face it, relive by the time you are certain that you won’t regret it
anymore.
I’ve been a terrible daughter, yes, I’ve honestly been. My
parents, they are the most wonderful persons I’ve known. In my fifteen years of
existence, they never left me. They were always there for me. Our lives were
like a rollercoaster, there are ups and downs, but throughout the adventure,
they were there. They were my firsts, my first love, first hug, first kiss,
first teacher, everything.
But I was wrong, by the time I thought I’m putting them first,
I was wrong because I was not.
Few years ago, I met YOU and then I came to know you and
there it goes. I fell with a dream. I put you first instead of them. For
goodness’ sake, I put you first for years. But who cares, I was right for
putting you first. I was right, I was right, until realization punched me right
through my face that I was not right, it was just the idea of what I thought
was right. I fell with the wrong dream.
Maybe I sought for attention. Maybe I sought for affection.
I should not. I should not seek any of it. I regret seeking for them because
they aren’t worth having because they weren’t willingly given. I should have
not. I do not regret falling with the wrong dream, I regret putting it first. I
regret not putting my “firsts” first. I regret that I diverted my attention to
you. I regret not putting them first although I know they would not leave me
out of the blue.
They were my firsts, my first love, first hug, first kiss,
first teacher, everything.
But I was wrong because they were not the first thing I put
in my priorities.
I thought I should never regret, for it taught me so much,
for everything I did I learned, but again I was wrong, maybe I’ve learned, but
think of it, if I just did what was really right not what I thought was right
then maybe it did not ended like this, then maybe I did not have to over-think
things, then maybe I do not have to cry myself to sleep for months, then maybe
I’m not suffering like this, maybe I don’t feel this pain, maybe I don’t feel
betrayed by myself.
But with it, I’ve learned. I’m proud doing it, doing the
mistake, because I learned. But I would not do it again. I’ve learned that families
are really the true love and whatever your decision will be we should accept
its consequences.
